Over Inflated

Has anybody been over to Helium ? I'm sure some of you probably have. If you tap something 'blog' related into Google, their ad is usually prominent. They need bloggers, and they're willing to pay.

You can join up for free, and Helium big heartedly offer you a share in the profits - based on many articles you put in, and how highly they rank in that particular topic. You are - after all - providing their content. Or 'knowledge', as they like to put it.

The problem with this model is that it has basically created an essay contest for money, rather than a knowledge base. There are even articles on how to earn the most money from Helium, which advise the budding writer to submit an article on every topic that comes up. Every topic? Really? I'm not sure that if I wanted to discover something scientific, I'd first turn to a back office warrior who cites "Jesus" as his main inspiration with no trace of irony.

Although don't take my word for it. Please draw your own conclusions. I am, after all, only a blogger.

On a separate and unrelated note, here is an article I have submitted entitled 'Golf tips: The best professional golf caddies' :

I have joined Helium today, and it is a joy. Where else can one find such an abundance of stultifyingly ill-informed opinions masquerading as 'knowledge'? Other than in the British tabloid press? Here are some choice bits of 'knowledge' I have recently garnered from top-ranking articles :

Why do men grow beards?
Because they are "lazy".

Punk rock is "the antichrist of music in that it lacks form, structure or (sic) harmony".

Awesome.

So it is in this spirit that I tackle a subject that I know absolutely nothing about - the best professional golf caddies.

So you're playing in a professional golf contest? Ace! But hold on just one second here... You're not going to carry those weighty golf clubs by yourself are you? Of course not. And you certainly can't be expected to formulate an opinion on which club to use for a specific shot by yourself, can you? Why, that would be lunacy! What you want is a caddie, my son (stroke daughter stroke non-gender-specific person). And a good one at that.

So here are seven failsafe tips on how to choose your caddie :

1. Be sure that he/she/it is human. Remember the adage 'never work with animals or children'? Well, almost all animals are inherently unsuitable caddies. Can you imagine a slug carrying a golf bag? Actually, you probably can imagine it - but putting it into practice is likely to be a complete nightmare. And one shouldn't choose a flamingo as a caddie either. It is likely to think that you have severed and preserved the legs of other members of its species, and will probably go for your eyes. This is why a lot of golfers wear shades - in case they are allocated a flamingo as a caddie by mistake.

2. Make sure your caddie is an adult. Remember the adage 'never work with animals or children'? Well, kids are a bit of a no-no in caddie terms. This isn't quite as hard and fast a rule as the tip about not using animals (see tip 1, above), inasmuch as children may well carry out the job at hand with little or no error. However, it's best to use an adult caddie to ensure that you are in compliance with the child labour laws of the country in which the tournament is being held.

3. Make sure your caddie has a good, strong nose. You can tell a lot about a chap's/lady's/non-gender-specific individual's character and natural aptitude from their nose. This may draw flak from right-on critics, who may accuse you of being 'nosist'. However, trust me, and go with the strong nose - there is no sense in sacrificing a tournament just to raise the esteem of a person with a substandard nose.

4. Make sure your caddie has a double-barrelled surname. Golf is a noble sport, and should not be played by oiks. As such, having a caddie of good breeding - possibly even a member of the aristocracy - is likely to raise your game.

5. Make sure that your caddie is not narcoleptic, as this is likely to hold you up. You're a professional now, and you want to keep good time.

6. Make sure that your caddie is well stocked with gin. It is going to be a long day, after all.

7. Ensure that your caddie is not allergic to grass, sand, water, wood, iron, or Pringle jumpers. Otherwise all manner of trouble will befall you.

Now, armed with this knowledge, you can go and show that bounder Tiger Woods what for, and get that 'Eagle'! Pip-pip!

I was hoping that this article would have been regurgitated back onto my shoes by the good people at Helium. Instead it is ranked #2 of six articles overnight.